A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Plot
by 10000 Fists
Summary: Dumping ground for all of my One-shots, Plot Bunnies, and Potential Stories until they have the strength to stand on their own. Nothing is Sacred
1. Electric Man Ch 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel or inFAMOUS, they are the intellectual property of Marvel, Disney, and Fox, and SuckerPunch.

:Line Break:

New Marais was infamous. Foremost for the lax behavior it had on most ethical conundrums, but also for the drinking and the parties and the…friendly locals.

Then it flooded, but the heart and soul of New Marais stayed dry. There were tears shed and candles lit for those departed. But as always in the town where bourbon flowed like water, while good things were celebrated, bad things made people celebrate even more. When the hurricane blew through and so many died, people found themselves celebrating first the lives of those who had moved on, and then celebrating the fact that they had at least one more day before the reaper knocked on their door.

That attitude had weathered the people of New Marais through many times, both good and bad. It had carried them through hundreds of seasons, year in and year out. It had carried them through everything, but not this latest storm of men and guns and power and death.

That was probably why outside of his fight, everything was so damn quiet.

Flashes of red and a black tar like substance let him know of her approach.

Flash

Flash

FLASH

'There!' he thought, swinging his weapon in a classic batter's arc. Hitting something solid, he thought he heard her cough something. 'Blood? No, I can't think about that.'

She flashed away again before he could follow up. Coughing and choking followed her movements whenever she stopped too long.

"I was so wrong about you."

A choked sob rent from the throat of the woman he had fought beside.

"Stop Fighting!" He shouted, hoping that she would listen, hoping that she would go against all of her tendencies and just for once stop, hoping that she would stay out of his way…hoping in vain. "It's over" he added quietly, knowing that it was pointless. That even if she could hear, she wouldn't listen.

She flashed back in front of him on the roof, launching balls of superheated gas, mini grenades.

He rolled out of the way and jumped, throwing a lightning tether to a tower with his left hand pulling him quickly towards it, and raining down a stream of bolts with his right. She flashed again, but not before she was struck five or six times.

Releasing his tether on the tower, he came back down to the roof, draining an emergency light he landed next to. She flashed in again, trying to get a clear shot on him, but he hit her with a sticky grenade first. She had this look of such surprise on her face as it went off and blew her across the roof top.

He ran over the crest of the roof to see her back on her feet, staggering, but moving. She flashed again, lobbing volley after volley of her tar grenades at him. He dodged the best he could, took some shrapnel to the shoulder but nothing too bad.

Flashing back to the roof crest, she paused, gasping for breath. Looking up at him with her torn, betrayed eyes, she screamed. "I TRUSTED YOU!"

And with that, she charged forward flashing once to close on him. Getting out his weapon, he charged as well. At some point both of them started screaming as they ran. When they met, Nix the witch of the swamp, the lady of fire, threw a flaming punch where his head used to be. And he, Cole McGrath, the Demon, the Electric Man, slid low, scything her legs out from under her with his Amp. She somersaulted in the air as Cole bent his legs and used his forward momentum to rock to his feet. She had turned just enough to see when the Amp came in and hit her.

Her body rag dolled, bouncing a good twenty or thirty feet before rolling to a rest.

Broken gasps came from her as even now she tried to roll over and get to her feet. Walking up beside her, he planted the ends of his Amp on either of her neck.

"Please Nix, just…stop."

A wordless scream tore from her, her back arching as she fought against the Amps embrace. Fire and darkness danced along her fingertips, gathering into a ball.

Closing his eyes, Cole turned his head, and sent 20,000 volts through his Amp. As lighting flashed, he was only grateful she hadn't screamed.

A small metallic ball, no larger than a common soccer ball, rolled from her hand. The RFI kept rolling, until it was at the feet of Cole's best friend.

Zeke Dunbar picked up the Ray Sphere Inhibitor with his left hand, in his right toting his trusty forty-four magnum.

Cole walked over to Zeke, stopping ten feet away when he looked up.

"Half as long…"

Zeke shrugged as a little smile came to his face.

"Twice as bright."

Then he aimed the revolver at Cole and shook his head.

"I gotta try."

Cole gave a nod of his own, arms falling to his sides.

"I know."

Zeke fired, the slug winging Coles' right arm.

Cole charged his arms while Zeke steadied his aim.

The lightning fell before the hammer, and Zeke staggered back from the force of it. He struggled and gasped, but he stayed on his feet, and he kept holding the RFI, and he kept holding his revolver.

Aiming at Cole again Zeke was hit with another bolt, this one sending him to his knees. But Zeke kept struggling. Placing one foot on the ground, Zeke raised his arm, unsteadily, and aimed at Cole again.

Then the final bolt fell, blasting Zeke Dunbar to his back, the sunglasses that his friends had come to know so well tumbled off of his face, sliding down the tile of the roof. And even in death, Zeke Dunbar held onto what he had helped and fought so hard to get.

Standing beside his friends body, Cole squatted down, ducking his head. 'Oh God, what have I done?' said a small voice that Cole had usually listened to. He stood up and glared down at the RFI.

Getting out his Amp, Cole stared down at this false prophet. When he came down here, Wolfe had told him all he needed to do was to stop the Beast, and to do that he would need to use the Ray Sphere Inhibitor in order to weaken the beast to the point where he could beat him. What Wolfe had forgone mentioning, was that it was basically a suicide vest. It would take out the Beast, but it would also take out every single conduit on the planet. Cole, included. That, on top of what John White, the Beast himself, had shown him about the disease, and the billions that would die if nothing was done.

In the end, it was a simple choice.

Either kill of thousands, possibly millions without any proof that those that remain would live long after, or kill millions, possibly billions to ensure the future of humanity.

A simple choice.

Brutal.

Hard.

Remorseless.

But simple.

1/1000 is a lot better of a number than 0. It's just cold hard math. 'Like Kessler taught me' Cole thought bitterly.

He bent down and picked up the RFI with one hand, walking to the center of the roof. Turning back around, he saw he had the attention of both John, and former Agent Lucy Kuo, the only girl aside from Trish he had ever-

He shook his head, clearing errant thoughts.

Placing the RFI down, he stood over it, holding his Amp in two hands as it sat there, humming innocently, oblivious to the world.

This thing was responsible for the deaths of everyone around him. The false hope, the weeks of striving and fighting and clawing for every little bit of power he could gain just to power this thing, and it all turns out to be some false hope.

He had bled, and cried and killed over this.

Time for this to end.

Blue lighting raced along the Amp as he brought it down with a yell.

The RFI lay shattered, and the city lay unnaturally quiet.

"Cole, I can't…" Spoke the magnified voice of the eight-story-tall Beast, John White.

The head of fire, of magma mashed together, ducked its fiery eyes. "I can't do this anymore."

"What?" Cole said breathlessly, "After all this?"

"NO!" interrupted the giant, "I still believe in this plan. I'm so tired. I've had enough killing. I should have died a long time ago.

"John…" growled Cole. 'If he stops, then no one else can develop their powers and be protected from the plague. The world will end if he stops now!'

"But I know you," he continued, ignoring interruption. "If I gave you the power… you would see it through."

Before Cole could respond, the Beast had raised his hands, and lighting gathered around Cole, burning hot against his skin.

'This feels like one of the blast cores times about a thousand!' was Coles last coherent thought as the pain from the Beasts power transfer made him descend into screaming agony.

The world dissolved to white as the Beast triggered a final blast with what remained of his power.

It was fifteen minutes later as Lucy Kuo picked herself up off the remains of the rooftop. The problem she first noted, was that she was alone.

"Cole! John!"

Looking around for her former partner and her…friend, she saw nothing but craters of stone, and a pair of broken glasses.

:Someplace Else:

"You know, Sparkles, most people get water out of a bottle, or electricity from an outlet, but going to the source is almost kind of respectable in an 'Oh-my-god-get-that-hippy-some-clothes' kind of way."

"DAMN YOU SPIDER-MAN!" shouted the Villain of Voltage as he threw bolts of lightning after the wall crawler.

The bolts landed harmlessly on some rather ordinary looking pipes as the arachnid performed acrobatics that would make the Russian judge drool with envy.

"I, mean, what? You were just gonna mosey on over the Big Bertha the nuclear reactor and plop yourself onto the wires? Come on!" Spider-Man said exaggeratedly as he swung around the bolts that Electro threw. "You either have some serious issues, or you need to start hanging around with a higher class of lady. I know you don't get much experience in prison and all, but I would have thought that the periods between would have been HURK"

One of the bolts finally landed, blasting the red and blue dressed man ten or fifteen feet across a steel grate walk-way.

"Do YOU want to know something Spider? DO YOU?" Electro screamed, electrocuting hero on the floor.

"You may have won a fight or two with me. You may win the next one, or maybe even a fight so long from now it hardly merits mentioning. But me? I am always going to win in the end." The villain in the green and yellow spandex monologued as he walked closer to the prostrate hero. "And do you know why that is, insect? Hmm?" He asked, shocking the Spider again. "I can't hear you!"

"Killer tights?" the hero mumbled, in no way helping himself out of dire straights.

Electro didn't bother with electricity for that quip, instead settling on punching the annoying arachnid in the face.

"No, it's because I am POWER! I am lighting made flesh, thunder given form, and you are nothing more than a stunted little man, that can stick to walls, and make jokes about his impending demise. And here we are in the city of New York's' largest power distribution hub. Just THINK, Spiderman! All of the powers running through New York, all of those devices, appliances, necessities, all of them run on the same power! The power that flows from this very plant! And do you know what that is, Spiderman? IT'S ELECTRIC!"

Electro threw his arms up and called his answer to the sky, or at least the industrial lighting of the ceiling. As a result, he didn't notice the Wall Crawler getting to his feet until he had finished an evil laugh, put his arms down, and opened his eyes.

Spider-Man stayed stock still for about a second, his the emotionless silver eyes of his mask peering into the cheap cutouts that Electro stuck his eyes into.

The silence raged until Spiderman leaned a millimeter forward, and spoke a pair of words.

"Boogey-Woogey!"

And with that, Spider-Man delivered a right cross to Electro's jaw that was so strong, it picked him up off the ground and over the railing on the sides of the walkway…

"Oh crap," Spider-Man thought aloud.

And Electro landed right on top of the open, external circuit of the electric generator of New York's largest Nuclear Power Plant.

Electro immediately disregarded the pain in his back as he started feeling the raw power that was beginning to pump through him. He felt it build and build until it had reached the point of ecstasy, and then it continued building. The pleasure turned to pain and the tingling of his mighty power turned to the burning of his flesh as it baked trying to absorb that much energy.

Finally, when he could hold no more, the electricity built in the small of his back and released in a small but powerful detonation, sending the green dressed man ass over teakettle as he flew clear across the room, before slamming to a stop thanks to a very sturdy wall.

'Now's my chance,' Spider-Man thought, jumping off the catwalk and swinging towards the downed villain, 'If he absorbed even a fraction of the city's power and he gets up after that blast, then I am going to be one well-done spider!'

Cole McGrath open his eyes to the familiar sight of grey concrete. Pulling his hands underneath him he started to get to his feet before he felt that something was wrong.

'My power,' Cole thought, 'I feel… empty, drained even.'

Then he noticed that the hands pushing him off the ground were clad in a bright yellow gloves, which were in turn met by a long green sleeve. Neither of which were the white and blue t-shirt, or the masking tape he had just been wearing.

Standing up, he noticed the strangest thing of all.

There was a man in red and blue spandex, crisscrossed all over with what looked like black threading, and large silver eyes on the head. And he was swinging on ropes, like some sort of gymnast.

'This is nuts, but maybe he knows what is going on.'

"Excuse me," Cole started to say, raising his hand.

'Damn! He's back up! I have to finish him now!' Thought Spider-Man, before throwing himself at his perceived enemy.

There were two things that crossed Cole's mind at that second. The first was a blanket accusation of "What the hell?" about all he had just seen.

The second thing was the darkness of unconsciousness caused by Spider-Man's jab.

:Line Break:

Cole woke up with a throbbing headache on an uncomfortable mattress. It wasn't the mattress that got to him. He had slept on more than his fair share of uncomfortable rolls and bed sheets in his time since Empire City had been eviscerated.

What did strike him was the pounding headache.

"Feels like the world's worst hangover after using a Blast Core." Cole grumbled to himself.

Opening, and abruptly closing his eyes at the bright light, Cole tried to take in his surroundings.

'Fold out bed, sink, toilet, window letting in way too much light, and the door…that has some kind of a slit in it.'

Reluctantly sitting up, and swallowing the vomit in his mouth, Cole slowly stood, bracing himself against a cold stone wall.

Waiting for the trembling in his limbs to cease, cole then walked over to the sink, splashing water over his scarred, weathered face.

Grabbing a quick drink from the sink, he stumbled over to the door, grasping for the handle. A handle which he couldn't seem to find. Running his hands over the door, his fingers seem to stick and grate over the rough material. Holding his tired frown and attempting to hold of his quickly re-emerging headache, Cole pounded on the door, and called out.

"Hey!", came Coles voice in what could best be called a gravelly tone. "Is anyone out there?"

Seconds ticked into minutes without any response.

Cole tried again, pounding on the door with the strength only a conduit could possess.

"HEY! Is anyone out there!?"

His voice echoed in the stone chamber for a moment, with McGrath straining his ears for any response.

Heavy footsteps clacked over stone in a measured, even pace. The sound of them stopped in front of the door, and the slot in the door at eye level opened with a loud 'THCK'

"Enjoying your new quarters are you?" Said the man behind the merry eyes staring at him.

'What is this?' Cole thought silently before questioning his 'host'.

"Where am I?" he scratched out, his throat so dry it felt like a consonant would make it bleed.

"You are enjoying the hospitality of the big apples finest till we find somewhere to throw you." The merry eyes turned sour. "Preferably somewhere deep, dark, and where you'll never be able to find another person to hurt ever again."

A face flashed into his mind, all curves and frost, before a headshake brought him back to reality. "What are you talking about?"

A laugh was the response he got. "Come on. I expected better from a killer like you. Playing coy? So last season, and not at all expected from the great Electro."

'Electro? Doesn't he mean Electric Man,' thought the dynamo, suppressing a frown as he remembered his 'nickname'. 'I wouldn't have chosen it myself, but I was less interested in looking cool than I was in keeping everyone alive.' Trish, Nix, Zeke. 'As many as I could.'

Before he could respond a voice spoke up from beyond the door.

"Atkinson, stop speaking with the convict! Back to your patrol."

"Yessir!" The guard said before turning back to Cole.

"I hope you rot, you fucking dirt-bag."

The slot slammed home with finality, and the even clacking of nice shoes walked down the corridor.

'The hell have I gotten myself into?' thought Cole, struggling to remember how he got himself into his present situation of Deep Shit.

'It all happened after I took the Beasts…John's powers. Then there was the explosion, like the Ray sphere all over again. After that, there was that freaky bendy guy in the red leotard. Then there was this asshole, this cell, and a migraine that is making this damn near untenable.'

Grabbing some more water, Cole sat down and tried to calm himself, less he stir up his migraine more.

'No use thinking about how I got here, I gotta find a way outta here.' Glancing at the slot on the door, Cole shook his head. 'No use going that way, that door feels like it's made out of rubber. Go figure. Going out through the wall behind the sink and toilet wouldn't be such a good idea because of the water…and anything else.'

Getting off the bed, Cole turned to the wall behind him.

'Only one way out.'

Electricity gathered in Coles hand, sparks shooting out from his arm and gathering into the form of a softball. The form emitted a mild shrieking as it held, and already Cole could hear the pitter patter of feet from outside his door, and the shouting of his captors, but they were too late.

A small underhanded toss saw the ball of lighting sticking the wall, and cole turned his back, opening his mouth, closing his eyes and covering his ears, so they would be undamaged from the explosion that was to come.

The last thing that went through Cole's mind before the ensuing chaos was a simple 'Let's do this!'

AN

Alright! And so comes the first chapter of what is essentially going to be a dumping ground for all my plot bunnies, one shots, and stupid little side stories.

I know that some of my fans will be less than thrilled that I was working on this rather than their preferred story, but I will say now that I am working on those two, but I have recently moved, and so haven't really had a boatload of time to write recently, so all I could do was write down plot ideas and their bunnies.

And thus this came into being.

I hope you enjoy!


	2. Go-Juubi

'Yes' Tobi thought, looking down upon his wonderful creation, knowing the satisfaction only a parent can have. 'My plan has at last come to fruition!'

Across the blood soaked plain, there lay the bodies of over 140,000 ninja and monsters. There lay the rapidly decomposing corpses of the recent undead. There the remains of the former Kage of the five great Nations. There, the nearly unlimited bodies of the White Zetsu, cloned so much that the field might as well have been pink. White for Zetsu, and red for blood. And there lay the bodies of the ninja of the Great Alliance, combining all those who might have opposed him.

'But still it wasn't enough!' Tobi thought vindictively, almost giggling with childish glee.

He stood atop the old statue of Pein's… the statue of the outer path, it's hands posed into a seal and a look of concentration on it's nightmarish face. On the ground, in front of the statues enormous feet, there lay an enormous seal, the glowing lines cutting through the earth like a knife through so much butter.

Slowly, the brown of the earth was scoured away, like so much dust in the wind, revealing a patch after patch of inky darkness.

From the blackness, there shot forth a clawed hand. Three fingers and a thumb clawed at the ground with sharp ebony talons, rending the rock and stone.

'How long have I waited to see this?' Tobi thought to himself, thinking back to all of the time he had spent researching this, the most powerful creature ever to walk the face of the earth.

The years he had spent in the land of Rice, combing the libraries for anything about the beast, the sage, or the great empire that ruled the world before it was rent apart by the creature now below him.

He had read about the people of the nations before, and how they were ignorant of the powers of chakra.

They instead relied upon some form of Raiton energy for almost all of their needs, from locomotion, to communication, to information, and to a hundred other things besides.

They used their powers and logic to build mighty villages and cities, crafting enormous buildings, hundreds of feet tall!

And then came the Juubi.

Another clawed hand joined the first and began pulling a reptilian head out of the darkness.

It's size defied all expectation, easily spanning fifty feet across and who knows how many feet long.

It heaved it's massive bulk upwards, easily dwarfing the Statue by half again it's not inconsiderable height.

It stood, it's great, dark green body shimmering in the late day sun, the light caught upon a thousand thousand scales, each one glinting maliciously as the beast they adorned radiated might and malice.

Tobi beheld the beast in wonder looking at the monstrosity he had birthed into this world.

Leaping from the Statue of the Outer Path, Tobi caught himself on the tail of the great beast, running along it's spine towards the head of the malicious creature.

He reflected back onto the tales of it's power. How the cities of the ancient dwellers were as so many sticks before the mighty beast. How, no matter their armor or armament, the beast had struck down all who had dared oppose it, save one. How it had ground the old cities to dust and ash. How even after all of the fire had ceased and all the ash grounded, the air itself burned those who remained, inflicting boils upon them and melting their flesh from the bone.

Tobi ran past the great plates on the creatures back. Ten in total, they were shaped as half of a star, three points sticking in different directions out into the open air, reminding Tobi none too gently of the Yondaime Hokage's Hiraishin kunai. The height of each was at least as tall as three tall men.

Reaching the neck of the creature, Tobi jogged up to the creatures crown, looking down on all of the forces arrayed against, now standing in awestruck and in a stupor. He knelt down upon the creatures head, crafting another seal, equally as unused as the one that brought the beast forth. Finishing his work, he could feel the mind of the great beast next to his own. His consciousness bordering that great emptiness, that darkness that he even now began exerting his will over. In the grim darkness of the creatures mind Tobi once again allowed his mind to wander.

He thought of what the mighty men of the old world had once called this creature, this beacon of chaos and destruction.

They called him not a monster, for monsters can be defeated.

They called him not a demon, for a demon could be banished.

The called him a king.

They named him Gojira!

Tobi lifted his hands, and atomic fire rained.


	3. TIM the Spymaster

Disclaimer: I do not own Monty Python or Mass Effect. Fucking Huzzah.

Shepard walked down the steps and through a doorway. The metal sliding smoothly open and shut in a way that denoted constant maintenance that could come from only the cautious and the rich.

The room beyond was completely dark, with the sole exception of a small circle of lights, only a meter and a half in diameter. Stepping to the middle of the circle, Shepard heard, and felt the thrum of electronics as he was scanned from head to toe. Then the scene changed, and the noise of an explosion echoed across the no longer empty room.

Shepard got into a combat stance as he saw a man, shrouded in darkness, raise his arm towards a line of waiting LOKI mechs.

A blue sphere shot from his arm, utterly destroying one of the droids. Then he did it again.

And again.

And AGAIN.

Metal flew and circuits let loose geysers of sparks. And all of the mechs lay on the floor trying vainly to pull their parts back into their chassis'.

"What kind of man can afford to spend that much on mechs just for target practice?" Shepard said, interrupting any further explosions.

"I," Said the figure grandly, turning to face Shepard, his blue eyes glowing in the darkness of the room. "Am a Spymaster!"

"And what should I call you?"

"There are those who call me… TIM?"

"Well, greetings TIM the Spymaster."

"GREETINGS COMMANDER!" Shouted the shrouded men, almost causing the Spectre to jump.

"You know me?"

"I do" TIM said before throwing another blue sphere. A hole opened in space and time, pulling in all the pieces of the destroyed Mech's, crushing them into a single, dense ball of jagged metal.

"You seek the Collectors." TIM said with certainty.

"That is my quest. You know much that is hidden, oh TIM."

"Quite." TIM said eloquently.

Then another LOKI mech rose from the floor, aiming it's weapon at TIM. TIM raised his arm again, shooting another orb of power at the Droid. Great rents appeared in the metal, tearing it apart. It fell to its side, spilling coolant and sparks as it dropped.

"Yes, I'm looking for them." Shepard said, mildly "My quest is to seek the collectors."

TIM stood majestically, saying nothing as darkness enshrouded his face.

"An-an-and so I'm looking for it…" Shepard continued, getting unnerved by the silent man.

"Soo anything you could do to help… would be… very… helpful…" Shepard finished, his voice almost pining off into a question because of his pitch.

TIM continued to stand there, ignoring all of Shepards fumbling attempts to get to the point.

"Look I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but I don't suppose you might tell me where I could find the…uh ummm." Shepard finished weakly, dissolving into stutters

"The what?" TIM said menacingly.

"The uh uhmm, c-c-c-c…" said Shepard, continuing his stutter

"THE COLLECTORS?" TIM shouted suddenly

"Yes, I think so." Shepard said in a weak voice.

"YES!"

Shepard's head reeled back in shock before a relieved grin came to his face. "Do you? Splendid!"

Another line of mech's rose from the floor in a jagged order, reminding Shepard somewhat of a childhood walk-a-mole game as TIM flung orb after orb, sending machinated parts rocketing all over the room, robotic life blood leaking to the floor, almost lighting in showers of sparks that tore free from their rent bodies.

"Look, you're a busy man…" Shepard continued.

"Yes, I can help you find the most mysterious Collectors!" TIM interrupted. "Near the center of the Galaxy lies a Mass Relay, the Omega 4 Relay. Wherin, there stayed since the beginning of memory, dwells the resting place of the most mysterious Collectors!"

"Where can I find this Relay, oh TIM?" Shepard whispers, fear in his eyes.

"I'll send you the coordinates." TIM says, turning away from Shepard.

The commander takes this to mean that the conversation is over, and so begins to relax.

"BUT!"

'Happy feeling gone." thinks Shepard, turning to look at TIM once again.

"Venture there if only ye be a man of valour!" TIM shouted, spittle flying past his lips. "For the exit to the Relay is guarded by Machinesso_ foul_, so _cruel_ that no man yet has traveled thence, and lived!"

Shepard was pretty sure that he felt a tiny piece of his soul die.

"The scraps of a full fifty ships lie strewn across that wasteland of space! SO brave Commander, if you do DOUBT your courage, or your Strength, come no Further, for DEATH awaits you, with nasty, hot, dirty, lasers!" TIM finished, making little jabbing motions which Shepard interpreted to be the 'nasty lasers' spoken of.

'What an eccentric performance.' Shepard thought.

AN.

Butchering classics seems to be getting to be habit.

Someone else did this before me, I believe, and if so credit goes to them. No idea where this idea came from.


	4. Uchiha Logic Ch 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or modern medicine. They are owned by Masashi Kishimoto and people smarter than me. Kishimoto does not rate that second category.

Senju Hashirama stood atop a mighty oak, raised from the ground with the use of his entirely unique Mokuton Blood line Limit. Across from him stood Madara Uchiha, atop the mighty Kyuubi, wielding his great war fan. Their chakra was charged, their weapons sharpened and gleaming in the moon's light. They were ready to have a battle that would reshape the land, and determine the course of world history for thousands of years to come.

But first, there were questions to be asked.

"Madara," the Senju said, speaking in a voice that echoed with sagely wisdom. "Why have you turned your back on your clan and Konoha? Why do you seek destruction?"

"My clan betrayed _me_! I should be the rightful ruler of Fire Country! And I would never have agreed to such a putrid peace with the Senju if I would not be rewarded for it!" Madara shouted back, Sharingan eyes glinting madly.

Hashirama recoiled in shock. "You mean to say-"

"YES!" Madara shouted, interrupting his foe. "This was my plan all along! To betray the Senju, and to take their DNA so that the Uchiha might be the rulers of this shinobi world, as we Deserve!"

"That's-" Hashirama said before something else caught his attention. "Wait, what did you say?"

"The Uchiha will reign supreme! We will sit atop the world as the elite! As gods! As-" Madara ranted, so close to his dreams he could almost taste the power of godhood.

"No no no, not that part," Hashirama said, waving his hands to stop the outpouring rant. "The part about taking the Senju DNA."

"What about it?" Madara said peevishly, annoyed at having his rant stride broken.

"Well…" the Hokage said awkwardly. "What are you going to use it for?"

Madara's smirk matched the smug aura set by his spinning eyes. "I intend to give the Uchiha, the TRUE Uchiha, the greatest Doujutsu ever conceived! THE RINNEGAN!"

"You're going to take my sperm and start impregnating the Uchiha women in hopes of renewing that ancient eye?"

"What?" the Uchiha asked, confused at the awkward turn the pre-battle banter had taken. "No, of course not. Don't be absurd."

"Well then," Hashirama said, also growing confused. "What are you going to do with my DNA?"

Madara swelled as he thought of his great plan. "I shall take the blood I need from your corpse. Then, injecting it into myself, I am going to gain the Rinnegan, and with it, the Elemental Nations, no, THE WORLD WILL BEND KNEE BEFORE ME!"

"So what you're saying is," Hashirama said, trying to match up what couldn't possibly be the master plan of the madman before him. "You are going to stab me with a needle, drain my blood, and then put that blood into you?"

"Yes."

"And then you'll receive the Rinnegan?"

"I see you now understand my devious scheme!" Madara said, once more holding his war fan at the ready, waiting on edge for the battle to begin.

Hashirama, on the other hand, was trying furiously to rub away the impending headache he was going to receive from the Uchiha Logic. "That's not how that works. You can't just inject yourself and poof, you get magical powers!"

"What? Why not?" Madara asked, getting increasingly put out by the conversations direction.

"That's not how genes Work!"

"What are those?"

The Senju felt his eyebrow begin to tick. "What are genes?"

"Yeah, those things. What are they?"

Hashirama tried very hard to keep his cool. "Genes are traits and characteristics embedded into the DNA and RNA of every living thing, from the tallest tree, to the lowest bacteria. These Genes are given to us by our parents, and are passed onto our children through procreation."

"So, my Sharingan and your chakra are both genes?"

"Nooo," Hashirama explained, once again mustering his patience. "Genes are sequences in DNA that signal the creation of different amino acids that eventually form our bodies. Genes, and specifically alleles are the very specific traits and characteristics that we possess, like your Sharingan and my Mokuton."

"Cool, so I'll just stab those with a needle and put those into my eyes." Madara said, shrugging in a simple fashion.

Hashirama, too, felt like shoving a needle into Madara's eyes.

"You can't just suck the genes out of someone! You would have to rewrite and recode your entire DNA sequence!" Hashirama screamed, wrenching his hair in frustration.

"I think you can." Madara returned.

"NO, you can't do that!" Hashirama screamed again.

"What are you, some kind of an expert on genes? You're the gene doctor?" Madara said waving his hands mockingly.

"No," the Hokage said through gritted teeth. "but I've spent years researching considering that every time I make a new tree for battle, I am essentially creating life, so genealogy might be a little important in what I do!"

"Look you do things your way, I do things mine-"

"BUT YOU'RE WRONG!" The Hokage shouted, losing his cool once more.

Madara's eyes began to narrow suspiciously. "I think that you are just trying to stop me from using you to gain my true power!"

"That isn't the path to true power!" Hashirama shouted. "That is the path to a botched blood transfusion!"

"I think I'll gain God's eyes." Madara said doubtfully.

"NO, YOU'LL GET HEMORRHAGING IN YOUR BRAIN!" The hokage screamed, close to clawing his own eyes out.

"What, next your going to tell me I can't make a clone out of you and do a brain transplant to get a loyal minion, or create a clone army of you using bijuu chakra-" Madara was stopped by Hashirama's first attack.

"FUCKING UCHIHA!"

And that was the first ten minutes of the battle that would shape the world.

AN

Why does nobody in Japan actually know how hereditary traits work?


	5. Your Move

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or the No Jutsu Abridged series that inspired this fanfic. They are owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and I'm not sure who. Do I even have to say if it is for an abridged series, or for another fanfic, or can I just say that the idea originally wasn't mine and everyone is cool with it from there? Whatever, here's the short.

:Line Break:

Kakashi stood in the middle of an open field, surrounded on all sides by forrest as he read his favorite chapter of Icha Icha Paradise.

So far his morning had been busier than most, meaning that instead of enjoying the guaranteed six month break that he got every time he failed a team, he actually had to wake up at an unreasonable hour to meet his team.

'What kind of person has to get up at ten thirty in the morning to do things?' Kakashi thought, turning his page with particular indictment. 'It's inhumane!'

His eye left the script temporarily to spy an orange clad child shouting at him from across the field.

'Naruto, right?' Kakashi thought to himself, as the child stated his intentions of violence towards Kakashi, in a very brusque manner.

More shouting from the blonde haired nin, indeed the very village jiinchuriki that Kakashi thought he was, was then followed by an unexpected handsign, in the shape of a cross.

Suddenly, a great amount of smoke filled the training field, as the former green was overrun with orange.

"Don't underestimate me!" Many of the mouths on the orange clad kids shouted before charging straight at Kakashi.

'I didn't think my opinion could drop any lower.' Kakashi thought leaning out of the way of a wild haymaker, as if affected by a light breeze.

A sharp rap on the back of the head dispelled that clone, and a couple of others it was knocked into before dispelling.

Effortlessly beating down the blonde upstart, Kakashi kicked the actual Naruto two hundred and fifty feet away, depositing him in a river flowing through the training ground.

"Cool off." Kakashi said, turning back to his book. 'Nailed it!'

But before Kakashi could read more about the zany adventures of Isobu, another pint sized 'student' stepped out onto the field.

"I'm stronger than he is." The black haired avenger said, eyes leering at Kakashi through coal black hair.

"Really? Hmm, good for you." Said Kakshi, tucking his book away in a kunai holster.

The ensuing jutsu battle tore apart the ground on which they stood. Smoking craters dotted the landscape and marshy ground sucked at the feet where glass didn't crunch under foot.

Water attacks soaked the ground, making it harder to use fire attacks. Ground attacks hampered movement, and lightning attacks hurt whomever happened to be standing in the water from the water attacks at that point.

All in all, it was a pitched battle in which the new Uchiha genius was giving it for all he was worth.

And then a voice called from behind Kakashi.

"I told you not to underestimate me!" Shouted the blonde haired menace, holding his hands up in a cross sign again.

"Annnd you fail."

All was silent on the training ground as the two boys, (and one girl hidden in a tree) digested that bit of information.

"WHAT!" Naruto shrieked, finally understanding what Kakashi had just said. "Whaddya mean 'We fail'?"

"You are not worthy of being ninja." Kakashi said, taking out his book again. "Report to the academy within the next week for either submission of your desire not to be ninja, or remedial training."

"Why are you failing us?" Naruto shouted again.

"You violated the ninja rules." Kakashi spoke back, turning the page.

"Whaddya ME-…wait the what now?"

Kakashi grunted, rolling his eye and putting his book away to stare at Naruto. "All ninja are governed by a set of universal rules which affect all facets of ninja life. In this case, combat."

Naruto frowned with childish pique. "I don't get it."

Kakashi rolled his eye and spoke up. "For example, only one ninja may attack any other ninja once at any given time, with the sole exception of when a ninja is too weak or too slow to intercept the shinobi's attack. Then the Coup de Gras exception takes place and one shinobi holds a monopoly on all moves made for five turns, then, if the opposing ninja hasn't gained strength speed or found new resolve, they may launch one area attack, if the attack fails, then a further five turns are monopolized by the opposing ninja, and if it is successful, then the moves revert to being divvied out equally. It is for this reason that many ninja battles are either ended very quickly, or take course over a week or more."

Naruto frowned harder. "That's stupid, why don't people just attack?"

Kakashi held out a hand and tried to calm Naruto down. "Because that's against the rules. When one is not directly involved in the combat, which can only have two people fighting at once, then they have to stand on the sidelines and have the option of shouting either encouragement and advice towards their ally or derogatory slang and slander at the opponent."

Staring hopelessly at Kakashi, Naruto shook his head. "And you can't attack? At all?"

Kakashi scratched his chin. "Well, there are rules concerning combination attacks that utilize the allies on the sidelines, but one must first go through the proper six month correspondence course to understand all of the rules involved. That's why the Ino-Shika-Cho really have a monopoly on that, because the only people who are both intelligent enough to multi task that course with actually going through genin life are the Nara."

Looking truly lost now, Naruto asked another question. "And we just let them hit us?"

"No," Kakashi said with a head shake. "If you are fast enough to dodge the attack, then you may, and you are allowed to perform defensive jutsu or supplemental jutsu. For example, the Kawarimi, which is why it's one of the first jutsu taught.

Naruto began to grasp at straws as his head felt fit to be a drum, giving him a pounding headache as it was. "But what about the ninja wars?"

"They operated under the same circumstances as the rest of the ninja battles," Kakashi explained. "But instead of turns for each individual person, it was changed after the calamity of whose-turn-is-it Bridge back during the first Shinobi war to the turns being divvied out per side, or village present."

Nodding along, Naruto had a a terrible realization. "But then if just one guy got fast enough to dodge most attacks, then they would be-"

"That's right, a legend." Kakashi said with an eye smile. "That's the reason that the word 'legendary' has been toned down. From the overuse of applying it to every single ninja who could win a battle by themselves."

Naruto began to cry a bit. Having so many dreams shattered over the course of a day, he made a decision that would change the shinobi lands forever!

'Screw being a ninja, it's more trouble than it's worth! I'm going to be a ronin!'


	6. Turn and Turn About Ch1

Disclaimer: This is how I think the movie should have gone, and under copywright law, that makes me entitled to write this. As a piece of Critique, it is, and I am, protected under the Fair Use clause. Suck it!

But in on the off chance that it doesn't and I am the one doing the sucking, I do not own Naruto OR any of the related properties. They are owned by the infamous Masashi Kishimoto.

On with the show

**:Line Break:**

A troupe of ninja trudged down the long muddy road leading to Konoha's main gates, their heads hanging low and dejected.

The late sun beat down upon the backs of the Rookie 12, with not a word passing between the lips of the beat down ninja. The heat and humidity drained the energy from their muscles and slowed their pace.

Silent shinobi all, the twelve marched to the gate, Shikamaru giving a call out, a raspy voice from a dry throat.

"Shikamaru Nara and team, reporting in from S-rank capture mission."

A bandana clad man stepped out of the shadows made by the guard booth. Examining each of the twelve critically, he gave a sharp incline of his head.

Immediately over three dozen ANBU appeared scattered around the entrance were made visible as they took the occasion to stand, their dark clothes and plain masks appearing stark in the evening sun.

"We were expecting you sooner, for better or worse." The guardsman said, his form temporarily blurring as the genjutsu hiding his true form dropped. "The Hokage has been expecting you to report in for some time now."

A sigh escaped from the Nara's lips, his trademark phrase shortly following. "We'll report in right away, ANBU-san"

The ANBU nodded once, before once again disappearing into the shadows.

"AWWWWW! Do we have to go see Granny?" Whined a very loud, unusually dressed young man, giving the best pout he could, caked as his face was under the pile of muck that dressed it. "I'm STARVING! I haven't had any ramen for over ten hours, and if I don't get some soon I'm probly gonna die!"

"NARUTO!" A voice, that under normal conditions was considered very effeminate, even petite, growled at the orange clad ninja, making him all but quake in fear. "You're going to go up to see Tsunade-sama just like the rest of us! UNDERSTAND!?"

Naruto nodded feebly, trying a placating motion with his hands to stop the twitch above Sakura Haruno eye; the one that always promised him pain and violence.

The antics of the reinstated team 7 were not lost upon the third member of that sub-division. The pale skinned, dark haired teen dutifully jotted down notes upon the interactions of his fellow teammates.

The REST of the Rookie 12, however, merely looked on with varying amounts of annoyance.

Once Naruto had successfully placated Sakura, and took off running towards the Hokage tower, he was shortly joined in the Hokage's office.

The 12 stood at attention before the scrutinizing gaze of Konoha's fifth Hokage. The legendary Slug Sannin's eyes were leveled at them over steepled hands, unknowingly copying the stance her teacher had taken so many times throughout his reign as ninja supreme. Her arms in this stance blocked out any attempt to look at her legendary bust, to the quiet relief of a few of the more animalistic members of the 12, who doubted their ability to look away from such a display.

After taking the moment to look over the 12's disheveled and muck clad state, the Hokage simply said: "So where are the supposedly resurrected members of Akatsuki now?"

"We don't know, Hokage-sama." Shikamaru said.

"You don't know?" Tsunade responded tightly.

Shikamaru shook his head in the negative.

"You don't know the location of the Criminal organization, which thus far has overtaken several governments, two ninja villages, 17 shipping industries, and ENTIRE country, and, not to mention, is made up entirely of S-RANK CRIMINALS, who now have come back from the DEAD?" Tsunade said scathingly. "Is THAT what you are telling ME? That THAT organization could be outside my WALLS right now, and we wouldn't KNOW ABOUT IT?"

"Yes, Hokage-same." The Nara stated simply, struggling to keep his cool in the face of Tsunade's also legendary temper.

The screaming was reduced to a mere glower after the Nara's statement, replaced instead with heaping overtones of sarcasm. "Well, since it is apparent that you didn't track Akatsuki, tell me what you did do?"

Shikamaru immediately jumped on the occasion to save his team from Tsunade.

"We encountered the group known as Akatsuki approximately one hour after departing from Konoha. That group included all shinobi from that organization, both living and dead, with the sole exception of the Orange Masked Man known as Tobi. We saw Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Konan, and Pain in only one body. After a short period of simply staring at each other, Naruto shouted at the Akatsuki members if they 'Wanted to fight or what?' The members, in particular Itachi, found that amusing. The leader, known as Pain, then said to the rest of the organization, 'Well, it's been fun, but I'm the fuck out of here, who's with me?'"

Shikamaru paused to take a breath, giving his Hokage a space to intercede.

"Pain said, 'I'm the fuck out of here?'" She said, a deceptively delicate looking eyebrow raised dubiously. "The man who took ten minutes to explain that he came to Konoha to destroy it and take Naruto? That Pain?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama, it was not what I had imagined him saying to such a challenge." Shikamaru said with a headshake. "But after he said it, he, and the rest of akatsuki, disappeared in a burst of chakra smoke. Having the trackers analyze the area, we came to the conclusion that the smoke was due to a high chakra burst, part of a reverse summoning. Taking that approach due to the lack of physical evidence and trails to and from the spot where Akatsuki had been standing, my team took the liberty of searching around Konoha to a distance of 20 miles, making sure that it wasn't a ploy to lure us away from the village, and destroy it while we weren't there to protect it."

The hidden message was made plain to all those who could listen for it. That is to say, all but the lightly snoring Naruto in the corner, who had taken the occasion of not being directly spoken-to to nod off and regain some of his energy.

Pinching her eyebrows the bridge of her nose at the familiar disrespect of the blond Uzumaki, the Senju motioned for Shikamaru to continue his tail.

"Despite our efforts and various areas of expertise and methods of tracking, we couldn't find the Akatsuki anywhere near the walls of Konoha." Shikamaru said with resignation.

Tsunade sighed, shoulders loosening a little as she did so. "While I am unhappy that you were unable to determine Akatsuki's bearing or present location, I am glad that neither took them anywhere near our village. As it stands, I'll be moving the village down to yellow alert, and sending out regular ANBU patrols to prevent them from getting this close to our village in the future." Getting up from her desk, Tsunade motioned to Sakura, who promptly pummeled Naruto back to consciousness, allowing him to hear the end of the debriefing. "As it stands, all of you can stand down, and resume your ordinary duties during yellow alert." Casting an eye over at the chubby Akimichi, she continued in a softer tone. "I believe you have a party to attend?"

A smile appeared on the faces of the 12, those that were visible anyway. Tsunade dismissed them and they left the tower, each departing for their own abode to get ready for a delayed celebration.

**:Line Break:**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" the assembled shouted, presenting a cake that had taken an Akimichi master chef three days to properly bake and decorate, such was it's breadth.

"18!" The ecstatic young clan heir shouted to the roaring voices of his friends and family and his friends families. All had been invited to see the Clan heir reach his age of majority.

"Make a wish, Chouji-kun." Ino said from beside her teammate, before the young Akimichi blew out all of the candles dotting the massive cake, eliciting another cheer from his audience.

The cake had finally been presented after three hours of feasting and dialogue amongst the guests. The Akimichi buffet was staggering in it's complexity and range of dishes, enough to serve all of those invited twice over.

The cake itself was quickly divvied out and devoured by the Akimichi clan, slightly less quickly devoured by everyone else. Then the first call was out from the audience once again.

"Presents!" Someone shouted along the grandiose table that seated 50 guests. The call was met with a cheer as Chouza laughed beside his son and darling wife.

"Presents it is!" Chouji said to cheers, several of his clansmen already going to get the first in the staggering pile of presents gifted to the lucky teen.

The presents were called out over the next 15 minutes, varying greatly in worth and meaning. Several merchants had gifted the Akimichi heir with gold, and exotic gifts from far off lands. Several clansmen had gifted him with free 'All-you-can-eat' certificates to their restaurants (generally to the cries of "I'm ruined!" much to the amusement of all). The the 12 each got him something special. Naruto had gotten him a specialized set of chopsticks, studded with two precious gems, cast in precious metal, and carved with kanji. Ino had gotten him a new breastplate to wear into battle. Shika had gotten him a book of foreign cuisine. And so on and so forth it went until the gifts had dwindled into nothing, at which point the heir stood.

"Thank you all for your wonderful gifts, and your wonderful presence." Laughter ensued at the double entendre. "I'll be sure to speak with each of you before you leave, and feel free to stick around, I own the place now!" Laughter came again, even more so when Chouza cried out "Not yet, pint-size!"

"There's one last gift to give!" Chouza said once the laughter had die down a bit.

"You see I have here a letter." He said, hoisting a piece of paper into the air.

"Who's it from?" came a shout from down the table.

"This letter comes from the office of the Hokage!" Chouza said smugly, eliciting 'Ooh's' from the enraptured audience.

"You see three weeks ago, I spoke to the Hokage about my son and the heir of the Akimichi clan. We discussed, how much he has grown, both as a person and as a ninja. We spoke of how the boy that was barely this high only yesteryear now was capable and deserving of the respect of his fellow ninja, of any rank. And we spoke of how Chouji, my son, would one day soon be my successor." He finished looking down at his son lovingly, an embarrassed smile adorning the Akimichi heirs face.

"SO, in response to his actions, both today and in the past on missions, the Hokage has sent me this letter." Chouza said, before peeling open the letter, and reading it aloud. "'By the power vested in me, by the seat of Hokage of Konohagakure, I do hereby promote Chouji Akimichi, son of Chouza Akimichi, to the rank of Jonin, in recognition of his unwavering loyalty, his unflinching duty, and his excellence in action. From this day forth, may he carry his rank well, and serve his village with pride."

Chouji's eyes watered, so overcome with emotion that he barely noticed the hollering guests. He stood and embraced his father and mother, with a great bearhug.

"I love you two!" He said aloud, with a bit of a sob that no one would mention. "I love you so much."

"And we, you, son." Chouji's mother said, hugging her emotional son right back. Many a teary eye looked on with happiness for the young heir, so openly loving of his parents. And one set of teary cerulean eyes looked with a bit of melancholy, and perhaps jealousy.

**:Line Break:**

The party had been winding down for a few hours; the only people remaining were two clusters sitting on opposite ends of the great table consisting of the Rookie 12 at one end, and their parents at the other, and the servers steadily cleaning up the evenings mess.

"Jonin, man, can you believe it?" said the Inuzuka, before turning to his canine companion. "Guess this means that we are gonna catch all kinds of hell from mom, ehh Akamaru?"

"I-It's not t-that bad, K-Kiba-kun." Hinata said with surprising fluidity.

"It is more appropriate to show happiness for the person who did receive a marvelous gift than to wallow about why one did not receive one oneself." The artist at the table said with sagely insight. "That's what my books all say."

"Don't worry about it Kiba, we'll all get up to jonin soon!" Chouji said in a loud, cheerful tone of voice. "I mean, do you remember when we were all genin? That was so long ago, and look at how far we've all come!"

Unknowingly, the kind words of the Akimichi drove a stake into the dejected heart of one of his closest friends.

Catching the eye of Hinata, herself paying attention to the downtrodden look of the Uzumaki, her genius cousin turned the conversation. "And we all have a great distance yet to go, and many goals to achieve yet."

"I've yet to find a way to get my mother to let me sleep in. And I've been working on that. For years." Shikamaru said, prompting Ino to bop him on the shoulder.

"Why do you have such lazy goals? You should try harder for things! Like my goal is to breed a species of purple roses." Ino said, berating her teammate.

"I want to find the one weapon that I am perfect with." Spoke the voice of the bun-haired resident weapons mistress.

A shaking fist rose into the air "I want to prove that one does not need the power of chakra to become a ninja, but the power of YOUTH!"

"N-Neji-neesan and I have y-yet to break-k the s-s-seal dividing our c-clan." Hinata said modestly, sneaking a look at Naruto to see if the change in conversation was making him feel any better.

Settling into a pattern, the group turned to Shino. "I have yet to improve my Allies, and myself, to a status that I consider satisfactorily productive as my own status as clan heir demands."

Then Kiba. "I wanna get me and Akamaru up to S-rank!"

Sai next. "I wish to fully understand the human condition."

Then Naruto. "You guys all know what I want. To become the greatest Hokage ever!"

At last, the circle came to Sakura who merely shook her head. "I don't know about you guys, but I just want to make it up to Jonin for now. I mean, I'm the student of a _sannin_. If I stick around at chunin any longer it's just going to seem pathetic."

That was the final straw for Naruto, his eyes falling down to his own chest, devoid of a chunin vest. Looking up he shook his head and put on a smile.

"Yeah guys, I'm gonna go ahead and turn in!" He said, getting up from the table, offering an explanation for his sudden desire to leave. "That mission today sure took it outta me!"

Naruto glanced around the table, pointedly ignoring Sakura. "Happy birthday, Chouji! I'll see all you guys tomorrow."

Turning around without another word, Naruto left the restaurant, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep cool in the cool night.

When Naruto had gone far enough away, Neji turned around to Sakura to begin ridiculing her on her words. Unfortunately, any pearls of wisdom that he could have bestowed were interrupted and summarily derailed by the voice of a loud woman echoing down from the other end of the table.

"I remember when she was only this big, and she had the strangest looking belly button. Her father and I kept on consulting the doctor about it because of how unusual it was, we kept thinking something was wrong with her. Oh when did she get so big?" She said with an emotional sob spilling a bit of the sake in her saucer. The woman sitting beside her pink haired husband was none other than the mother of one Sakura Haruno.

"All children have to grow up at some point." The Akimichi matron said with a smile, leaning into her husband. "We are just lucky that our son grew into such a fine young man."

"I remember," said the Haruno matron, voice slurred by the sake, the same beverage forbidden to any and all ninja while the village was on yellow alert. "When she was only three years old and I took her to the market with me to get some groceries. She was getting so hungry because I was talking to one of the vendors about the radishes. She went by the side of the road, and started eating some wild berries. When I found her, I didn't know what she had done, and with my shopping done I went home. Well, later on that night, after dinner, Sakura comes running into my room and jumping up into my bed, saying that there was something making scary noises in her room and asking if she could sleep with us for the night."

Sniggering into her glass, the mother of the increasingly frantic chunin continued her narrative. " well, wouldn't you know it, those berries were actually a mild poison, used as a weak laxative. So when I woke up two hours after my chibi-Sakura had climbed up into my bed, I found something wet on my leg. I woke up my husband, thinking that we'd only have to change the sheets at that point. Sakura at the time was such a terrible bed wetter. It seemed every one or two days I'd have to do more laundry just for all the urinated sheets. And so that's what I'm expecting, just something small like that. So I wake up my husband and that's when the smell hits me."

Sakura stares down at her mother, who continues to embarrass her in front of all of her friends and colleagues, with hands clenched in rage. She is so furious with her mom that she wants to get up and just punch her until she stopped, but she is too embarrassed to even move.

"It's like," Haruno pauses for a moment, searching for the proper terminology, or reference. "Like all of the diapers, that I threw out when she was smaller all came back to haunt me, all at once. And I threw off the sheets, and I knew we were going to have to get a new mattress."

Mebuki Haruno sniggered a bit, accompanied by the knowing looks of the other parents. "Oh kami," She said after calming down a bit, in a voice to quiet to be followed by the eavesdropping teenagers at the other end of the table. "Why couldn't it always be stories like that?"

Oblivious to her mothers matronly worries, Sakura chose that moment to stalk out of the restaurant, not waiting even to say goodbye to her friends to spare herself further indignity.

Shino turned away from the swiftly departing chunin, towards the friends rapidly dwindling in number still seated around the table.

"That escalated quickly."

**:Line Break:**

It was close to midnight as Sakura stalked down the deserted path that led to the Shinobi Academy. Still fuming silently about her mother being completely embarrassing; almost to the point that she thought that she would never be able to face her friends or her superiors again.

'Sometimes, she just makes me so mad.' Sakura fumed, lashing out and obliterating a nearby tree with her enhanced strength.

'No, I need to stop lashing out. I need to cool down, and think about everything rationally.' Sakura berated herself mentally. 'Everything is going to be fine. Everything will be fine. It's not like virtually every single person in charge of every single shinobi division with the sole exception of my immediate boss was there to hear the single most embarrassing story of my ENTIRE life, and giggled along with it, because why wouldn't they?'

Ceasing her mental ramblings, Sakura lashed out again, eviscerating another tree with a wild punch and a shout of "SHANNARO!"

Arriving at the Shinobi Academy that she had attended so long ago, not the same building of course, that one was destroyed, but the new one.

Set up in the shade of the Hokage monument, this Academy was actually slightly smaller than the original, as there were plans to build a more permanent facility once the threat of war passed. But in the meantime, the facility was perfectly able to handle the present level of students, even coming complete with a playground where those students could either frolic, or practice their own jutsu and skills.

It was into that fenced in playground that Sakura stalked, unobserving of the person who already occupied it.

"Hey, Sakura-chan," Came the faux cheerful voice. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"And why wouldn't I be here?" Sakura snapped.

"Well uhh," Naruto said, stumbling over his words in the face of her sudden assault. "I'm not saying you _shouldn't_ be here, just I wasn't expecting you to be here."

"Maybe I come here every night?" The kunoichi challenged. "What is it to you?"

"You don't come here every night, Sakura-chan." Naruto said confidently. "I'm here every night, and I don't see you."

"Why are you here every night? Why don't you go to bed like a normal person?" Sakura said scathingly, angry that he had called her out on her bluff.

"…Because I'm not normal." The blond said in a quiet voice. "I only need two or three hours a night to sleep. Any more than that is just because I'm bored and there's nothing else to do."

"Oh right, of course." Sakura said, mentally supplying 'Kyuubi.'

"So, what's the matter?" Naruto asked from his seat on the swing.

"UGH, it's my parents." Sakura said with a grown, taking a seat beside him. "Sometimes I envy you. Not having to deal with them or their embarrassing stories would be such a gift. You're lucky."

Naruto almost choked on his tongue at that. "Lucky?"

"Yeah." Sakura said wistfully, ignorant or uncaring of her teammate's emotions. "So, what do you think about Chouji? Crazy, huh?"

"I kinda wish it was me getting the promotion. But I am happy for him." Naruto said with not often seen maturity. "He does deserve it."

"I wish it was me, too. Staying at such a low rank is starting to seem insulting." Sakura said idly, repeating her earlier point.

Ignoring the fresh barb, Naruto stayed optimistic. "You're lucky that you got up to chunin level at least. Here I am, only heading out on big missions because I'm the only person that can deal with enemy heavy hitters like that stupid resurrected Pein, and I'm still a genin! The rest of my missions are all about trying to recapture Tora!"

Sakura bobbed here head, in acknowledgement of his point. "Well you've gotta grow up Naruto. Otherwise Lady Tsunade is going to keep passing you over for promotion."

The genin ninja scowled at the oft brought up point. "I have grown up, but it seems like sometimes there's no one there to see it."

Adopting a questioning look Sakura asked, "Then why did you say something stupid to the Akatsuki today, like 'Wanna Fight?"

"It's because he broke his promise!" Naruto said with a snarl. "When he died so that Konoha could live again, he made a sacrifice, to honor the dead, to restore the balance, and to put the fate of the world into my hands. When he died, it was up to me, the student of prophecy, to lead the world into an era of peace. And now he's back. Did I do something wrong? Have the gods themselves decided that I shouldn't be the one to change the world? Or, more likely, was he just another one of Orochimaru's or Tobi's perverted tricks made to make me doubt myself, and that were only here to bring more death and destruction."

Finishing, Sakura was silent in the wake of Naruto's pent up speech.

"I'm glad to see that you have such a high opinion of me." A deep voice echoed around the playground.

Eyes went wide as both Konohagakure ninja flashed to their feet to face off against the most mysterious member of the infamous Akatsuki.

"I heard you were looking for me earlier?" The man known as Tobi asked, tilting his orange mask adorned face in the way reminiscent of a child asking 'why?'.

A great roaring came from around him as several of Naruto's shadow clones popped into existence and immediately created several Rasengan.

Charging forward in sequence, the clones passed through the masked man one by one. Each was summarily dispelled as the Akatsuki nin lashed out at the back of each clones head.

Midway through dispelling the last clone, a heel caught him on the shoulder knocking him flat into a crater made by the force of the kick.

It took a moment for the dust to settle as Sakura prepared to look down at a mortally wounded nin in smug satisfaction.

"SAKURA!" Shouted Naruto, still standing back by the swing set with his eyes closed.

The warning came too late, as a black fist rose from the dust and smote her across the cheek, sending her rocketing back towards the swing set, and Naruto.

Reaching out an empty hand towards the flying form of his friend, Naruto pushed the chakra out of his hand, extending it and using it to slow, and then stop the momentum of Sakura.

Looking back towards Tobi, the missing nin could make out the orange eyelids, and yellow bar pupils staring back at him.

"Ahh, so this is the legendary Sage Mode that you used to defeat Pein. I'd be interested in hearing how you did that one day." Tobi said, paying apparently no attention to the nin he had been fighting. "But today is _special_! Today I've come to give you a gift!"

"Bastard!" Naruto ground out between clenched teeth. "I don't want anything from you!"

"Fine then, if you want to be spoiled," Tobi said in a mocking tone, befitting more of a lecturing teacher than a genocidal mass murderer. "I shall have to give it to the lady."

Sakura stumbled to her feet. "What?" She asked through her daze, still a bit fuzzy after taking a monstrous hit from the shrouded ninja. "What are you talking about?"

"To be the first of many to experience my own brand of perfection," He said grandly throwing his arms out to the side. "To have every wish come true, to live in a world without war, that is my gift."

"What?" Sakura said, the formation of a concussion beginning to be fought as Sakura brought a green glowing hand to her head.

"I'll give you a world, where you are known for your strength, and ferocity in battle. A place where there are hallmarks to your ideals in almost every country. I'll grant you a place where you are strong enough to keep the young Uchiha by your side. I will bequeath to you, a place where your parents will never embarrass you ever again.

Sakura knew it was a bad idea. She knew deep down that trusting a man like him would only lead her to bad decisions. She knew that she should say something to refute him, or his offer. But he made it sound so good.

She didn't say a word.

She didn't move.

Tobi knew he had her.

'Damn concussion!' She cursed to herself.

"I do hope you enjoy your new residence to your fullest. Remember to tip your reality warper on the way out!" Tobi said before throwing an orb into the air.

Despite it being such a rookie mistake, both Sakura's and Naruto's eyes followed its path, the crimson hue of it standing out even in the darkness.

Reaching its zenith, the crimson orb framed the moon. The moonlight brought out the finer details that even shinobi eyes couldn't see at this time of night. Smooth groove marks where an artist's touch had detailed it, the true color of the orb aligning more with that of blood than an ordinary red, and most importantly, the three Uchiha-like tomoe that now stared down at Naruto and Sakura.

"Limited Tsukyomi!" The grand and dark voice of the masked man rang out echoing around the park.

In a flash of red light, Naruto and Sakura disappeared from the world.

Where they had stood though, was far from empty

The crimson orb clattered to the ground in between the two people who had taken the young ninja's places.

Where Sakura had stood now stood another woman with pink hair. The hair had been cut short, bare inches from the scalp. Where once had been a pretty but function red vest and skirt now were a plain white undershirt, with long, plain black pants. Over both stood a dark red leather duster, the bottom catching in the night breeze.

To the left of the woman who had replaced Tsunade's apprentice, stood the man who had replaced Naruto. Where once a crime to all fashion orange jumpsuit resided, now existed a dark grey blue robe, complete a pure white fur collar. Over the robe was a similarly fur lined grey-blue cape. Obscuring his face, but not the yellow-blond hair that stuck up behind it, was a white and red kitsune mask. On his feet and hands stood a matching set of brown leather gloves, bracers, shin guards, and sandals.

Tobi looked from right to left, left to right, and uttered a single phrase that would come back to haunt him over the next month.

"Huh…that was unexpected."

**:Line Break:**

**AN**

Sorry about not updating my main stories. Everythings been kinda hectic for me, and I'm really trying to pump them out and get a job at the same time, so I can keep writing.

I have this and a million other little stories and one shots that are cooking but not quite ready, as I am constantly on and then immediately off for when my muse comes to visit and then gets shut up by a phone ringing and telling me I am not good enough for janitorial work.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this, How the Road should have gone.


	7. Turn and Turn About Ch2

Disclaimer: If I wanted to own Naruto, I would first breed a genetically engineered race of super monsters, who disguise themselves as humans. These Humans would then commit robberies all over the world. Then with the ill gotten gains from those robberies, those monsters would then place like a million bets on different lotteries, ensuring that they would win at least one, possibly several. After those monsters gift me the proceeds, I will buy the majority share in Naruto.

No plan less ridiculous or convoluted than that is worthy of owning Naruto.

**:Line Break:**

Naruto felt like a ramen noodle being slurped into an eager mouth. His feet tumbled about while pressure on his head seemed to mount and mount until it felt like it was going to explode. The red flash that had started this inside the washing machine experience gave way to a veritable cornucopia of color. Wind roared in his ears and his skin felt like it was on fire one moment and then frozen the next.

After what seemed to be an eternity, the world that Naruto perceived righted itself.

The first thing that Naruto saw was the moon, glowing lustrously in a night sky bereft of clouds. The stars were next, twinkling innocently despite Naruto's violent upheaval.

Looking down at his more immediate area, Naruto next saw the trees, wild and tall, surrounding the clearing that he found himself in.

Sakura, across that field, is what he saw next. Looking about just as he was, and looking upset about her journey as well.

Then Naruto looked down at the field around them.

Throughout the field were impact craters of varying size and make.

One crater ran the entire length of the field, like something had hit the ground whilst flying through the air at a parallel velocity.

Another was short and round, edges glassy, like some intense heat had scorched it.

All in all, it looked like a battlefield.

Looking back up at Sakura, he could see her beautiful green eyes staring back at him. He was about to speak up, to the effect of "What the hell is going on?" But then his eyes started tracking movement in the woods behind the pink haired kunoichi.

Before he could shout out a warning, three figures blurred through the air, landing beside Sakura.

Standing up from their crouched positions, the figures made themselves known.

Beside Sakura stood assembled the members of Team 10.

Chouji Akimichi stood at the forefront, his armor gleaming in the moonlight; to his right stood Shikamaru Nara, his tan clothes messy with food stains, and generally unkempt. On the left wing of the team stood the only female member, Ino Yamanaka, clad in a concealing gray full body jumpsuit.

"Thank kami you're here!" Sakura said, shoulders relaxing slightly.

"Don't worry, Sakura-chan," Chouji said, in a voice surprisingly deep and mature. "We'll take it from here."

Sakura nodded acceptance as Ino and Shika began pulling out kunai. Turning to look at Naruto, Chouji spoke again.

"Traitor to the village, stand down now, and we may yet show you mercy!" He shouted, his voice echoing loudly around the pockmarked field.

Naruto stood, staring blankly back at his friends, unsure if they had said what they said. "What's going on now?"

"Don't make it any harder on yourself," Chouji shouted again, taking an aggressive step forward. "You can see that you are outmatched! Come quietly, or there'll be trouble!"

Naruto squinted his eyes, taking a look around the clearing again, even looking behind them to see who they were talking to. After doing this, he simply pointed a finger at himself, question obvious.

"Of course I am speaking to YOU!" Chouji shouted, maturity being trickled away by mounting rage. "And if you do not stand DOWN, we will be forced to fight!"

"Chouji, what are you talking about? Why do you wanna fight?" Naruto asked, royally confused about what was going on.

"That's it, take him!" Chouji said with authority. Ino shifted her hands into an unusual seal, that Naruto could have sworn he recognized.

"Shintenshin no Jutsu!" Ino cried, a small wave of force pushing forward from her hands.

It took Naruto a moment to remember what it was that that technique did, and by then it was already too late.

Ino's body fell to the ground at the same time as Naruto's.

"What the HELL are you guys doing?" Sakura shouted at the two still conscious ninja.

Chouji frowned at her outburst. "We are doing what we are supposed to do, both as a team of Konoha, and as your friends. We promised to you that one day we would bring him in, or take him down, and that is exactly what we plan to do."

"Yeah," Shikamaru said loudly. "So either way we're still keeping our promise!"

Ignoring Shikamaru, Sakura focused on the man promising to beat or kill Naruto. "What are you saying? He's our friend!"

Chouji's frown became even harsher as he turned his back on Naruto's fallen body for a moment. "I don't believe this Sakura. You know what he did to all of us. He turned his back on me, on you, on all of us, and on Konoha! He might have been our friend, and maybe he might be again someday, spirits willing, but today he is our opponent, and we will treat him as such!"

"YAAAAAAAA" Ino screamed, sitting up immediately, and vomiting over the bottom of her jumpsuit and her sandals.

"Ino!" Shika cried, rushing to her side. "Ino, what happened?"

Wiping her vomit with the corner of her sleeve, Ino spoke in hushed tones. "I-It was-s dark, and it w-was wet. It felt ju-ust sick, and wr-wrong! A-and then t-there was rain, l-like it w-was acid. I l-looked up…."

"Yes," Chouji said, imploringly. "And then what happened."

Ino's eyes were wide with fright. "I s-saw a b-beast! I s-saw the K-Kyuubi!"

Pointing accusingly at Naruto, who had since regained his feet, and was rubbing his forehead furiously to stem off the approaching headache, Ino shouted. "HE'S GOT THE KYUUBI!"

Naruto paused in his rubbing, looking up at his friends. "Well, yeah. I thought everybody knew that."

Chouji paled considerably as Ino clutched onto Shikamaru's sleeve. Turning to his companions, Chouji whispered hoarsely. "Shika, did you send for the reinforcements?"

Shika gave a single nod. "Before we left, didn't see the point of it then, though."

"Good," the ashen faced Akimichi said. "Then we only have to stall him."

" Stall him? What are you all talking about? It's Naruto! He's on our side!" Sakura said, with virtually no-one listening.

"Naruto?" Chouji muttered to himself, before shaking it off, getting into a squatting combat stance. "Ready, team?"

A pair of grunts met his reply, and team 10 took off for their blond target.

**:Line Break:**

Footsteps pounded over wooden floorboards, racing through a modest home in the dark of the night.

The footsteps stopped, outside of a silhouetted door, light creeping out through the cracks.

A polite knock rapped on the wooden frame of the door.

"Come in Anko-chan." The voice from beyond the door said.

The door slid open, illuminating a beautiful young kunoichi, wearing a rather practical dress, dark green in color, and going down to the womans ankles. Her hair was done professionally into a bun, and held there with a pair of looked like chopsticks. Her sandals clacked over the wooden floor of the well light study that she had scurried into. Stopping before a large desk, Anko Mitarashi bowed quickly.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company at this hour?" The voice spoke, partly amused, and partly concerned at the sudden appearance of one of the villages most respected kunoichi.

"Hokage-sama, we have initial reports of an S-ranked criminal in Konoha." Anko said, before adding quietly, "It's the Uzumaki, sir."

The soft sounds of the brush on paper stopped. The robed figure seated at the elaborate desk looked up to make sure they had heard correctly. "Uzumaki?"

"Yes, sir." Anko said with a nod. "Sakura Haruno is already on the scene, and your apprentice has already left with a detachment of ANBU, in response to a distress call."

"The ANBU won't be enough to stop him." The regal figure growled, standing up and casting off the robe to reveal a black combat suit underneath. Reaching into the drawers of the desk, the Hokage pulled out pouches of kunai, shuriken and scrolls. Leaping to the door, the Hokage pulled down the long, thin blade that there resided. Putting the ninjato in a sheath on his back, the Hokage turned to his subordinate.

"Get everyone you can, and get them there, Now!" He said, yellow eyes reflecting the flames that illuminated the room

**:Line Break:**

It had been the better part of two weeks since Naruto tried to practice Dodge'em, a game from his childhood days with the dead lasts. The gist of the game was that Shikamaru would sit down, as he was want to do, and the rest of the dead lasts would try to dodge his shadow. It was good practice for Shika's endurance, chakra capacity, and his familiarity with his shadow techniques. And it was good training for the rest of the Dead Lasts, as it provided them a fun and competitive way to test out their speed, flexibility, and dodging ability.

As the years wore on, practicing against Shika became harder and harder. Sometimes his shadow would leap into three dimensions to knock you off your feet. Sometimes his shadow would splinter and it would be almost impossible to dodge.

That being said, amongst the Dead Lasts, Naruto still held the record for the ability to dodge for the longest. A testament to his nigh unnatural endurance.

What he was doing now though, seemed to be playing that same game, with his 18 year old self, and playing against a 10 year old Shika.

His moves were sloppy and predictable. He didn't take advantage of any openings that Naruto gave him. And worst of all is that he never varied from his original shadow possession technique.

Naruto dodged another elongated shadow with ease, the bright moonlight only easing his battle against his friend.

Ino fared no better in her attempts to ensnare Naruto. Her rigidity in using the same ninjutsu technique made Naruto's time dodging her incredibly easy, like dodging a kunai thrown by an academy student.

Yes, Ino and Shika were either getting extremely sloppy in their training, or Naruto would eat his own sandal.

Chouji, though, was another story.

A flaming fist fell to the earth with the same force of a meteor. The ground cracked and turned to glass under it's impact, and many shadow clones were either thrown back and away from the doom fist, or popped entirely.

Silvery blue wings extended from chouji's back as he worked to keep Naruto on the defensive. Giant fists and legs blurred into the ground, often surrounded by either red or blue flames, and occasionally armored in large plates of condensed earth, to prevent the clones climbing his arms and damaging his best weapons.

Naruto sweat in the intense heat generated by the fiery fists of Chouji, and the exertion of pulling out more and more shadow clones to distract his confused allies.

Sakura stood at the edge of the clearing, screaming at the members of team 10 to stop their fighting.

In the meanwhile, however, someone had started throwing kunai.

Naruto felt one slice through part of his beloved orange jumpsuit and cut lightly into the skin of his back.

His eyes went wide as he realized that his friends weren't just aiming to knock him unconscious, or even to maim. They were aiming to _kill_.

'This is getting serious,' Naruto thought to himself, looking at the glint in his friends eyes that with his previous revelation seemed positively murderous. 'I better get serious, too.'

And with that thought, all of the clones that were previously being used as a distraction turned on their attackers.

Shika and Ino were almost immediately mobbed and beaten unconscious. Chouji put up a wall ef earth, which then detonated outward, the hardened earth used as shrapnel, dispelling clones en masse.

Seeing his companions go down, Chouji turned to the crowd of Naruto's with an inhuman roar.

His arms magnified in size many times over, Chouji slowly began to walk towards the crowd of clones. He began swinging his arms back and forth, like a ridiculously proportioned ape. Each swing of his arms dispelled clones by the dozen, flinging them about like ragdolls. Chouji saw Naruto sit down amidst the crowd of his clones, and he began to spin like a top, his oversized arm stretching out like fleshy battering rams. Clones were flung helter skelter and soon only Naruto and Chouji were still in the fight.

Chouji grabbed the unmoving Naruto in one of his giant hands, holding him in place, as his other arm raised into the air, intent on delivering the final blow of this fight now.

The mob of clones though had already served their purpose, and Naruto's eyes opened in yellow bar slits.

Pushing up on Chouji's oversized hand, Naruto slipped underneath his hand, the second fist coming down were his head had scant mili-seconds before vacated.

Quickly crunching up to a crouched state, Naruto grabbed the rapidly deflating arm of the Akimichi air, using chakra to enhance his grip, and he delivered a single solid blow to Chouji's jaw.

The Akimichi was sent tumbling, the butterfly wings that marked one of his families most prized jutsu dissipating in the night air as he rolled to a stop, unconscious in one of the craters lining the field.

"Naruto!" Sakura shouted, stomping over to him. "What the hell did you do that for? You should have talked to them you Moron!"

"We tried talking, Sakura-chan." Naruto said, almost too exhausted to contradict her at this point. "But they kept saying nonsense. They just wanted to fight."

"I think someone placed them under a genjutsu." Sakura said after a moment, agreeing with Naruto's statement, but not admitting such out loud. "Maybe it was that masked guy, Tobi?"

Naruto's eyebrows scrunched together, as he made an exaggerated effort to think. "Where is he anyway? All I can remember is him tossing that red ball, and then saying something, and I was here."

"Idiot." Sakura muttered, more out of habit than spite. "He said 'Limited Tsukuyomi'."

Taking a moment to think, Sakura remembered where she had heard it before. "That's it!" She said with a snap of her fingers. "Tsukuyomi is described as the ultimate genjutsu, only usable to Uchiha that have the Mangekyo Sharingan, it is supposed to be inescapable, and generally used for torture or interrogation."

Naruto flopped his head to the side, for all the world looking like a curious puppy. "I didn't know that. Where did you hear about it?"

Sakura put her hands on her hips and smiled smugly at Naruto. "It was in the briefing that we had before we went to hunt SASUKE, remember?"

"If there's one thing I hate," said a new voice, filled with tightly controlled rage as another person walked into the clearing. He stood at a lean 5'9, slick black hair kept neatly in a short haircut, dark hair framing his face via a set of bangs. He was clothed in a short, dark blue jacket, long black pants, a plain white t-shirt, and matching black gloves and shoes. He was handsome, well kept, and stylish.

By far though, the most distinctive thing about his figure, other than it's familiarity to the assembled, was the red Sharingan eyes blazing behind a set of fashionable reading glasses.

"It's people talking about me when I'm not there" said the Infamous Sasuke Uchiha.

**:Line Break:**

Tobi stared incredulously at the new arrivals, his confusion at their appearance shrouded by his orange mask.

Within the first four seconds of arrival, the blue-grey clad blonde had looked around, took alarmed note of the woman next to him, formed a fast seal with his hands and immediately disappeared.

Meanwhile, the pink haired woman yelled at Tobi.

"HEY YOU!" She yelled, throwing her head forward and stalking towards the orange masked man.

"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT WITH THAT NO-GOOD, ROTTEN, DIRTY, DROOLING, HIGH-AND-MIGHTY, SELFISH, CRUEL, SPOON-SHOVED-SO-FAR-UP-HIS-ASS-THAT-HE-CAN-EAT-WIT H-IT, SADISTIC, EMO BASTARD, AND YOU KIDNAP ME?" The woman continued to shout, throwing her arms about in her rage causing Tobi's eye to drift a little below her neck, where interesting things were happening with her anatomy. "THAT'S IT ISN'T IT? YOU JUST WANT TO DO PERVERTED THINGS WITH ME? YOU SAW MY HAIR AND NOW YOU JUST WANT TO GET ALL UP INSIDE ME? WELL COME ON THEN! WE'LL HAVE A GAME OF IT, ASSHOLE! WHOEVER SHOVES SOMETHING INSIDE THE OTHER FIRST WINS! AND I AM GONNA STICK MY FIST SO FAR UP YOUR DICK HOLE THAT I'M GONNA BE TICKLING YOUR PROSTATE WHILE I USE YOU FOR MY BITCH PUPPET!"

Blue light sprang from the ground in a circle around the red clad woman, etching into the eath and stone a series of kanji, with four long arrows all pointing to the faux Sakura in the middle of the circle, and four offset arrows pointing out of the circle.

The effect of the large seal array on the ground was seen immediately, as the earth caved in on the inside of the circle, and the pink haired ninja was laid low, completely prostate on the bottom of the seal, which now resembled more of a well.

Picking that moment to fade into view the blue-grey robed man twisted his neck to the side, the loud crack emanating over the now silent park.

"Thanks for the distraction," The man spoke in a low, raspy voice. "You have no idea how long she would have kept going."

"I think she was running out of words by the end." Tobi said matter-of-factly.

The man with the kitsune mask sighed, and shook his head. "It REALLY wouldn't have stopped her. Trust me on this."

Tobi nodded acceptance and ventured to change the topic. "So, who are you?"

"No-one of consequence." The other man quipped, walking around the outside of the hole in the ground, looking at the rim.

The orange masked man rubbed the back of his neck in an embarrassed gesture. "See, I kinda have to know for this thing I'm doing…"

"Get used to disappointment." The robed man said, brushing his cape aside as he bent down to inspect part of the seal.

"Then by your choice shall your doom be!" Tobi growled, attracting the attentions of the other man with a small burst of Killing Intent. Behind his mask his Sharingan moved and changed, resembling now a spinning shuriken mid-flight.

"Tsukuyomi!" He cried out, calling upon one of his Mangekyou Sharingan's most devastating abilities. The chakra in his eye crested and waned and the jutsu had been cast.

For a moment between the two masked men nothing happened. The playground was cold and silent. Then the cape clad man spoke up.

"Not the sharpest kunai of the bunch, are you?"

"W-What?" Tobi sputtered, taking a step back.

"Get that eye implanted, or do you call the 'Uchiha Elite' family?" The caped man asked, rising to his feet again.

Tobi narrowed his working eye. "I call them my family no more."

"Allow me to let you in on a little secret then." The caped man said dramatically, throwing his hands to the side. "The whole, 'ultimate illusion' thing? Only works if you have eye contact, with nothing in the way. It's one of the chief reasons I wear this." He finished, knocking on his mask.

"You know an awful lot about the Sharingan." Tobi accused, his eye narrowing again.

His accused shrugged in a nonchalant manner. "I adapt to survive. Knowledge of the Sharingan was rather imperative at some points."

The mysterious man's eyes continued to roam, everywhere but upon the other man.

"Would I be correct in assuming that since that," The Uchiha queried, pointing towards the pit, "was some foreign version of Sakura, then you are some foreign version of Naruto?"

"I don't know any Naruto's," the man said back after a slight pause. "But the failure in the pit IS named Sakura Haruno. And by your own admission of her being a 'foreign' I would have to assume that this is some form of alternate reality?"

"How did you come to that conclusion?" Tobi asked, eager to gain a glimpse into the thought process of the other masked man sharing the children's park.

"Relatively simply." The man said in response, waitinig a beat before clarifying. "That is the same Hokage Monument that I recognize from back home, but the faces upon it are different. That and the entire structure of the village has changed in seemingly instantly. Your comment of 'alternate's was the nail in the proverbial coffin. The only other conclusion I could draw would be a genjutsu, but the only person I know that's good enough for a genjutsu of this complexity would be Itachi, but even then he wouldn't get obvious things wrong, like the village set up, and he'd have to use the Mangekyou to do it, which would kinda throw off all the colors."

Half shrugging, the man continued after a short lull. "Plus, he doesn't do the whole 'deep mind-fuck' thing. He kinda just does a power wash of pain and your worst fear over and over again until it gets rather bleak and repetitive."

'He has claimed advanced knowledge of the Sharingan and its limitations, and has showed a working understanding of both. His seal work is impeccable, and he has unusual techniques. I know little about his physical capabilities, or his mental capabilities, save for that the latter are obviously above average.' Tobi thought, his lone eye scrutinizing the other man, who at that point held his left arm crossing his chest, and his right arm propping up his chin in an assumed thinking position. 'I need to establish whether or not he will be a threat.'

Inclining his head, Tobi deigned to query his 'guest' aloud. "What are your plans for Konoha?"

The hand under the kitsune mask rose slightly, a single finger stroking where the figures chin would have been. "Well, that depends upon a few things."

Tobi stood in silence while he waited for the man to elaborate.

At great length, he finally spoke up.

"First, what was the fate of Danzo Shimura?"

Tobi smirked. "He killed himself in an attempt to bring down his enemies."

The mask nodded before asking another question. "What happened to the Senju?"

"They are all but extinct." Tobi answered again, with some venom. "Giving their lives in defense of their _beloved_ village."

The man in the mask cocked his head to the side at that answer, before asking a yet another question. "What is the fate of the Uchiha?"

Tobi had a full smile hidden behind his mask. 'A sympathetic ear for the Uchiha? I'll have this upstart working for me in no time!' "The Uchiha were betrayed by one of their own number, and by the man that they had sworn their lives to, and he had sworn love and devotion to all of his subjects, the Uchiha included. They were murdered, slaughtered, by none other than the third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi!"

The kitsune masked man took a step back, seemingly reeling with shock. "The third killed the _Uchiha_?"

"Yes!" Tobi hissed, his eye narrowed as he struggled to hold maniacal glee from his tone.

"The third was Sarutobi?"

The glee left his tone a bit. "Yes."

The kitsune masked man was silent for a long moment, before a dry rasping started coming from the hollow of his throat. Then his shoulder started to shake as the rasping became louder.

"Heheheheehee." Then the blue and grey figure threw his head back and let out a full bodied laugh. "HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAA!"

Calming down, the kitsune mask stared into the single eyeslot of tobi's own mask and he said words that Tobi was certainly NOT expecting.

"Ohhh, I think I'm going to _enjoy_ this place!"

**:Line Break:**

**AN**

So that's that.

I don't know why I continue to update this. I think it's because my nerd rage over Road to ninja has been pent up for so long that it needed to metaphorically explode in Word Format.

Anyway, so here it is.

Next chapter, Hijinks ensue.

Pairings are still kind of up in the air, if there are any at all.

For questions about the fic or where it is going, or if you want it to get it's own story, please message me, or drop me a Review.

I assure you, I read them. And when you say something interesting, or ask a question, I respond.


	8. Earn It Prologue

**Disclaimer**: I own this as much as the swat team busting down my d- No, NOT THERE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

**Synopsis**: Kakashi is a proactively lazy teacher.

It had been two weeks since team 7 had passed the fateful test and already there was dissention amongst the ranks.

The leader of that team, one Kakashi Hatake had set up a fairly simple schedule. Each day he would tell his team to meet at 8 o'clock in the morning. Then Kakashi would arrive three hours later, and take his team on a pair of D-rank missions before breaking for lunch, or possibly ending for the day, depending upon the time they get done.

After the group was done for the day, he took one of his students to train, as according to a rotating schedule he had set up, and he left one day open for rest. Mondays, and Thursdays were set up for the young Uchiha on Kakashi's team, dedicated and cunning. Tuesdays and Fridays were for the kunoichi, Sakura, intelligent and driven. Wednesdays and Saturdays were for the jiinchuriki, Naruto Uzumaki, strong and enduring.

On the days that Kakashi hosted the Uchiha heir, the training ground rang with clashing steel and bellowed in great firey gusts.

On the days when the genius kunoichi took the field, Kakashi spoke of politics and theories, geography and philosophy.

Presently, however, it was a Wednesday, and a particularly dreary one at that.

Kakashi stood beside Naruto as the energetic blonde counted off repetitions for his push ups. Cycling down, he then spun over, and immediately began his 200 situps.

Kakashi idly flipped a page as Naruto finished his wind down, the sun making for the final stretch of its zenith.

Naruto, finishing his excercises stood up at attention in front of his teacher and commanding officer.

"That's enough for today," Kakashi said. "Show up at the usual time tomorrow."

Turning around to leave, the white haired instructor made it all the way to the edge of the woods before Naruto spoke up.

"Sensei?"

Kakashi turned, frowning at the unexpected question. "Yes, Naruto, what is it?"

"When are you going to teach me some Ninjutsu techniques?" Naruto asked, his eyes already performing the dreaded Puppy Dog Eyes no Jutsu.

Hatake sighed at the all too familiar question. "Like I've said before, when you are ready."

"But that's Bullshit!" Naruto shouted, throwing his arms to the side. "You keep on saying that, but you never say WHY I'm not ready, HOW I can make myself ready, or even WHAT it means, Not to be ready!"

"Naruto," Kakashi said, slipping his prized possession into the holster slung around his thigh. "You are not ready for what you seek because you are quick tempered, easily manipulated, and utterly careless in regard to your jutsu use."

Naruto shook with anger at Kakashi's betrayal. "What the hell do you mean when you say that?"

"Because you are energetic, you are more prone to overacting your emotions. You are easily manipulated because very rarely does logic feature into your decision process, and instead you let yourself be guided upon your overacted emotions alone. And when I say that you are utterly careless with your techniques I mean it is because you are always using your most powerful technique, the shadow clone, without virtually ever using a lesser jutsu."

Naruto started to tear up a bit at Kakashi's brutal critique, and could only say one thing in response. "That's not true."

"Look," Kakashi said "Let's take your fight with Sasuke the other day."

Naruto cringed at the implication that Kakashi knew of his fight with Sasuke.

"He was being really me-"

"Nonono," Kakashi said, forestalling Naruto's justifications. "I don't want to hear about that, I am just looking at the fight itself."

Naruto nodded hesitantly trying to see where this was heading.

"Ok, so first, you ambushed him in his room." Kakashi said, once agin holding up a hand to forestall Naruto's objections. "Getting over the fact that he is both a fellow ninja and on the same ninja team as you, this was actually a good strategic move. People feel safest when they are at home and it is a good time to strike."

"Moving on," He continued pushing a hand through his white hair. "You then impersonated him to get closer to Sakura. Again, I don't disapprove in the tactical sense, merely the whole trying to deceive your teammate into possibly sexual favors."

Naruto looked confused before Kakashi said "We'll go over that at another time. But the main sticking point that I have from your fight with your teammate is when you attacked him after he allegedly insulted your crush, and you attacked him with a A-ranked Kinjutsu."

Boring his eye into Naruto's pair, Kakashi spoke tersely. "Swapping out that Kinjutsu with any other of it's rank and classification, and instead of losing to your rival, you would be murdering him, and sitting for the rest of your years in a jail where they don't even let you talk or move, merely exist and waste away until death."

Naruto looked thoroughly shaken, but as the copy-nin thought to himself, 'Thoroughly shaken isn't enough.'

"And to even hear you speak of learning ninjutsu is a dead giveaway to where your mind is on the subject. It isn't ever 'Sensei, I need an earth technique so that my clones can survive more damage' or 'I think some grounding in Medical ninjutsu would allow me to help more people', or even 'I think I can maximize my position on this team if I could learn how a fire or lightning jutsu, in order to incapacitate as many foes as possible so that they don't hurt my teammates.' With you it has always been, 'Hey sensei, can you teach me an awesome ninjutsu?'"

Working his mouth a few times, Naruto stopped trying to speak, electing to look down ashamedly.

"It's like you just want to be the hero, but with no thought about what's going to have to go into it. No preparation. If I were to teach you any of the techniques I know, then all you would do would be to spam them out on missions, ruining half as many missions as we would get outright, and on the half that we could still actually do you would hurt your teammates with your mishandling of your techniques!"

"And that's the real problem, Naruto." Kakashi said cooly, staring at the small blonde. "You don't respect your jutsu"

Naruto's head snapped "That's a lie! I respect my Kage Bunshin!"

"Really?" Kakashi asked sarcastically, visible eye narrowing in mistrust. "Then you should have no problem telling me the secret that makes Kage Bunshin a Kinjutsu"

"It's a Kinjutsu because of how strong it is!" Naruto declared resolutely.

"No." Kakshi responded simply.

"Oh, well then it's because of how au-to-ma-tous the clones are." Naruto said, more carefully.

"Au-to-NO-Mous. Good word use, and that is part of it, but still not the secret."

"Is it because of how good the clones are and how people can barely tell it's you sometimes?"

"While a good benefit, no, that is not the secret."

"Well what is it then?" Naruto cried petulantly, arms forming a cross across his chest.

"Like I said, you don't respect your techniques."

"Then TEACH me to respect them, _Sensei_!"

Kakashi was about to walk away with a casual flicker, and leave Naruto to figure out how to respect the power that he wielded by himself, but then a thought struck him. How to teach Naruto both discipline, and respect, while keeping his training times open enough for Kakashi to read his favorite book series.

"Ok, Naruto, you win."

Naruto stared at his teachers back, confused. "What d'ya mean?"

"I'm going to teach you a jutsu." Kakashi spoke back. Turning around and walking over to Naruto, Kakashi knelt in the soft earth, staring directly into Naruto's eyes. "And with that jutsu you are going to learn respect, discipline and patience."

Naruto leaned a bit away from the intense stare of his sensei. "How are we going to do that sensei?"

"I'll show you. But first, you have to make me a promise, a promise that you must never break under any circumstances. If you break it, I will have you kicked off of the ninja force so fast that even your name will be stricken from the records, and from the minds of all of your fellow nin." Kakashi gave Naruto a moment to digest that. "Do you understand what I am saying, Naruto?"

Naruto nodded quickly. "Hai, sensei."

"Good. The promise you are going to make to me has three parts. 1, You will never use this jutsu outside of our practices until _I_ believe that you have mastered it sufficiently. 2, You will NEVER use these jutsu with your shadow clones until I tell you that you can. 3, You will do EXACTLY as I tell you to do when we are working on your jutsu." Listed out the cyclopean teacher. "Do you agree to these very simple rules?"

The spiky haired troublemaker hesitated only a moment before nodding his acknowledgement. "I do sensei."

"Good. Then in three days, your training begins."


End file.
